New "Normal" Life

We are now 12 days into our adventure and things are starting to settle down. Mommy and daddy no longer cry for fear of sudden death at every new sound the baby makes. Baby no longer cries of sheer hunger. Granma never cried, just laughed and cooed her way to bliss with new baby. That's what happens when you're a baby expert. Needless to say, we still have some things to learn. Lessons from the first 12 days:

1. Don't over-stimulate the mommy - After 3 visits in one day, mommy had a melt down at 6 PM upon last visitor departure. Much like baby punching herself in the face, mommy is learning that she has a stimulation threshold. Daddy and granma have limited her to one visit, one outing and one walk per day. If mommy tries to schedule her play date with you, there's a reason.

2. Too many blow outs = big baby - In other words, this chic came out HUGE. Her newborn diapers were too small leading to every poo being a blow out. After changing diaper sizes, we have contained said blow outs and are on the road to fecal recovery (kind of - more on this topic below).

3. Each person should specialize - Mommy has the boobs, I mean food. Granma is an expert burper. Daddy has a special skill for making baby poo and pee on him every time he removes a diaper. Either projectile poo or a bubbling fountain erupt with every other changing. Daddy is sure lucky with his specialty.

Hope you find that entertaining for now. If I can figure out tricky pics, I'll add some more. Otherwise, I added a bunch to my Facebook photos for those of you that are on that site.

Keeping it real,

Mommy

Wait, where have all the posts gone?

Where do you think all the posts have gone.  We've only had this thing for 7 days, and we're still trying to figure out all the features, some of which are completely incompatible with other ones, hence causing cataclysmic meltdowns of the new system.  Once we figure out more of the bells and whistles, we'll get on with our chronicling.  

First:  A great big shout out to Gramma for moving in with us for the last week and teaching us the ropes.  Unbelievably helpful and will definitely get a signing bonus when officially hired under the table to be our nanny.

 

Second:  to all you bitches that be bringing us food, we luvs you foevah!  If any of you get gunned down in a drive by I will wear an extrememly oversized tshirt with your likeness on it that states RIP and your birth/death dates (the portrait will alternately make you look more hardcore than you were and at least 10 pounds thinner).

Third:  Here are a couple of pictures...so stop buggin our asses.

Daddy

The Whole Cracked Traumatic Truth from Daddy

There are monsters that have been waiting, deep in the darkest parts of our imaginations[testicles] and they are coming via their army of orc birthing technicians who pull and wrench at our hearts and flesh, making Daddy come to the brink of insanity.

On the other hand, she's very cute and our doulas were priceless (not like I'm giving them signing rights on my accounts or anything).

My eyes have sunken over an inch into my skull in retreat of the horrors of pumpkin seed poop and random body jerks that make her appear that the Devil is twisting her from the inside.  

I am going to eat coffee cafe...th last of it to be found in the house.  The battle to taste it will be EPIC!

Pics soon.

Daddy

The Beast

For those that have been following Mommy Humper, you may have noticed a significant slow down in activity. Daddy posted Mommy's personal water status last Friday. As of last Friday, Mommy had mixed emotions about everyone knowing about her water flow. Since last Friday, Mommy has lost any remaining shred of prudeness and decency as she succumbed to sharing her breasts with the world. 

Here's the stats. Baby joined the world on 12/28 at 3:32 PM. She was a beast - weighing in at 9 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long. All parties involved wondered how such a big baby came from such dwarfish parents. We can't explain it. We just accept it. The delivery process was a little different than planned. In fact, Ms. Baby wasn't having anything to do with our plans. We started laboring on Friday and our doctors finally pulled her out on Sunday. Baby thought Mommy's house was perfect except for the door which was too small to exit. She came via Caesarean. Daddy nearly passed out but managed to keep it together enough to tell Baby her first stories.

The last week has been one big blur. Grandma entered the scene on Monday morning to help out at the hospital. Mommy and Daddy, realizing that they don't know what the heck they are doing, have taken Grandma prisoner and will not let her leave the house except to get a change of clothing. Grandma is suffering Stockholm Syndrome and now likes her captors, particularly Baby. Grandma and Daddy have been wonderful helping Mommy recover and trying to make her triple type A personality rest. Sometimes they have to yell at her. Mommy is trying not to feel like The Boobs. With Daddy and Grandma's help, Mommy showered and even put on some makeup this morning to feel human again. 

That's it for now. Thanks for all your well wishes.

With love,

Mommy

Where's that Harriet of ours?

Jeez, how long does it take to get a friggin' baby out of there?  It's all slippery and juicy, you'd think she'd slide right out.  I'm starting to get concerned that she's going to be as stubborn as Mommy.

Speaking of Mommy, she's asleep right now.  She's in early labor with reasonably consistent contractions that stop her from talking, but not from doing (she helped make the spicy green bean dish tonight).  I'm running all over the place trying to get everything on the list(s) done.  Plus, I've still got some work things to take care of which I found difficult to do while hovering over Mommy (mostly unwanted it turns out) for the past week or so.

Oh, right, it turns out that the labor tub vendor is not delivering because they are north of Seattle and the weather is still a bit crap up there.  Maybe we won't need it until tomorrow and they'll be able to deliver.  Mommy's not too worried about the tub getting here, so I'll be cool about it too (oh yeah, I'm going to crap talk that service to others...maybe).

Next time I'm going to write about what big suckers we are for baby wank despite our pre-pregnancy rants against just such crap.  Oh, yeah, I'm now that boring parent to be that can't stop talking about awesome baby things that I just can't wait to happen.  If old me met new me I'd kick my ass.

Daddy

So it begins!?

At 9am it appears that Mommy's water broke, so Harriet is definitely
on her way. It's still early labor with contractions pretty far
apart, so nothing is going to happen any time soon.

Let me just say that if this post inspires you to call...don't. Mommy
is excited that something is starting to happen, but still seems to
have a strong distaste for everyone and would as likely claw your eyes
out as eat a bagel with cream cheese (which Daddy was just told he
makes wrong...because I don't put the cream cheese on right...implying
that Daddy is, probably, functionally rhubarb [remember that it's not
nice to say retarded]).

More news as things progress. Daddy is going to take a nap for an
hour because my honey-do list just tripled.

Sent from my bustknuckulous iPhone

No one is humping this Mommy

We are now 3 days passed due. Unless Harriet arrives in the next hour and ten minutes, she will not be born on Christmas day. Hallelujah. Daddy asked me what I would do if we won the lotto last night. Despite my best efforts to stay positive about the whole natural birth process, I laughed maniacally that I would opt for an elective Cesarean to get this puppy out. I really couldn't stop laughing. Which of course made me want to pee. Laughing uncontrollably is never a good thing this late in a pregnancy. It leads to other uncontrollable things.

I kicked Daddy out for the full afternoon. It was glorious. No one called or asked me if she was here yet. No one asked if they could do anything for me. No one told me to stay in bed. Truth be told, Daddy gives the best foot rubs, so I'm always glad when he is around, but also appreciated some quiet time. I'm starting to feel like a cat that has found a dark closet and is just waiting for her litter to be born. I really don't want to talk to anyone or leave until she comes out.

Unfortunately, I have to see my midwife and acupuncturist every day at this point. The Seattle roads have been crap with the snow. Lets just say each trip is a bumpy, brutal, contraction-filled ride. Daddy wants to talk and ask questions and its all I can do to hold my ginormous belly and breathe deeply while snapping at him to shhhhhh. Much like a pregnant feline, I've resorted to scratching and and hissing.

That's all for now. As you can tell, Daddy has much more to say due to a normal case of verbal diarrhea. More from him later.

Mommy