New "Normal" Life

We are now 12 days into our adventure and things are starting to settle down. Mommy and daddy no longer cry for fear of sudden death at every new sound the baby makes. Baby no longer cries of sheer hunger. Granma never cried, just laughed and cooed her way to bliss with new baby. That's what happens when you're a baby expert. Needless to say, we still have some things to learn. Lessons from the first 12 days:

1. Don't over-stimulate the mommy - After 3 visits in one day, mommy had a melt down at 6 PM upon last visitor departure. Much like baby punching herself in the face, mommy is learning that she has a stimulation threshold. Daddy and granma have limited her to one visit, one outing and one walk per day. If mommy tries to schedule her play date with you, there's a reason.

2. Too many blow outs = big baby - In other words, this chic came out HUGE. Her newborn diapers were too small leading to every poo being a blow out. After changing diaper sizes, we have contained said blow outs and are on the road to fecal recovery (kind of - more on this topic below).

3. Each person should specialize - Mommy has the boobs, I mean food. Granma is an expert burper. Daddy has a special skill for making baby poo and pee on him every time he removes a diaper. Either projectile poo or a bubbling fountain erupt with every other changing. Daddy is sure lucky with his specialty.

Hope you find that entertaining for now. If I can figure out tricky pics, I'll add some more. Otherwise, I added a bunch to my Facebook photos for those of you that are on that site.

Keeping it real,

Mommy

Wait, where have all the posts gone?

Where do you think all the posts have gone.  We've only had this thing for 7 days, and we're still trying to figure out all the features, some of which are completely incompatible with other ones, hence causing cataclysmic meltdowns of the new system.  Once we figure out more of the bells and whistles, we'll get on with our chronicling.  

First:  A great big shout out to Gramma for moving in with us for the last week and teaching us the ropes.  Unbelievably helpful and will definitely get a signing bonus when officially hired under the table to be our nanny.

 

Second:  to all you bitches that be bringing us food, we luvs you foevah!  If any of you get gunned down in a drive by I will wear an extrememly oversized tshirt with your likeness on it that states RIP and your birth/death dates (the portrait will alternately make you look more hardcore than you were and at least 10 pounds thinner).

Third:  Here are a couple of pictures...so stop buggin our asses.

Daddy

The Whole Cracked Traumatic Truth from Daddy

There are monsters that have been waiting, deep in the darkest parts of our imaginations[testicles] and they are coming via their army of orc birthing technicians who pull and wrench at our hearts and flesh, making Daddy come to the brink of insanity.

On the other hand, she's very cute and our doulas were priceless (not like I'm giving them signing rights on my accounts or anything).

My eyes have sunken over an inch into my skull in retreat of the horrors of pumpkin seed poop and random body jerks that make her appear that the Devil is twisting her from the inside.  

I am going to eat coffee cafe...th last of it to be found in the house.  The battle to taste it will be EPIC!

Pics soon.

Daddy

The Beast

For those that have been following Mommy Humper, you may have noticed a significant slow down in activity. Daddy posted Mommy's personal water status last Friday. As of last Friday, Mommy had mixed emotions about everyone knowing about her water flow. Since last Friday, Mommy has lost any remaining shred of prudeness and decency as she succumbed to sharing her breasts with the world. 

Here's the stats. Baby joined the world on 12/28 at 3:32 PM. She was a beast - weighing in at 9 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long. All parties involved wondered how such a big baby came from such dwarfish parents. We can't explain it. We just accept it. The delivery process was a little different than planned. In fact, Ms. Baby wasn't having anything to do with our plans. We started laboring on Friday and our doctors finally pulled her out on Sunday. Baby thought Mommy's house was perfect except for the door which was too small to exit. She came via Caesarean. Daddy nearly passed out but managed to keep it together enough to tell Baby her first stories.

The last week has been one big blur. Grandma entered the scene on Monday morning to help out at the hospital. Mommy and Daddy, realizing that they don't know what the heck they are doing, have taken Grandma prisoner and will not let her leave the house except to get a change of clothing. Grandma is suffering Stockholm Syndrome and now likes her captors, particularly Baby. Grandma and Daddy have been wonderful helping Mommy recover and trying to make her triple type A personality rest. Sometimes they have to yell at her. Mommy is trying not to feel like The Boobs. With Daddy and Grandma's help, Mommy showered and even put on some makeup this morning to feel human again. 

That's it for now. Thanks for all your well wishes.

With love,

Mommy